DEAR AMY: "Curt" and I have been friends for about 15 years. I admire him as a great volunteer for a group we both belong to. He has a little challenging personality (he can be self-centered and too talkative), but he is a nice guy and a good friend.
I recently met his wife for the first time. My problem is that when the wife found out I knew "Curt", she was not wasted in time to launch in a diatribe about him. She quoted chapters and verses with examples of the horrible guy he is and how much she hates him.
At that moment, I didn't try to register my shock (remember I just met her). Maybe she just needed to be familiar with another woman, and would have done the same with someone.
My dilemma is how to proceed. I feel almost obliged to tell Curt what his wife said, so he can save his marriage if he wants. (Yes, it was so bad.) But I also wonder if it is harder to hear this from me.
Curt may be so unaware of other people that he may not be aware of this. My other option is to leave good enough alone, but it feels like betrayal. What if they do divorce and I could have done something to prevent it? What is your advice?
Feel Too Much
IS KNOWN FOR POSSIBLE: Curts wife should not have launched in a detailed diatribe about his horrible, safe at your first meeting.
But – just as she shouldn't have confidence in you, you shouldn't try to help Curt "save her marriage if he wants to."
Of course, you have absolutely no way to know, but it is possible that Curt is not really the nice guy you think he is – to his wife, anyway. Many people work comfortably in a duality – showing one side of their character and personality at home and a polar opposite side elsewhere in the world.
Are you so aware that you know how this person behaves in his other relationships? 19659004] Either Curt is horrible, or his wife is. Because your relationship with him seems limited to the volunteer activity you share, I suggest you cancel your judgment on any of them.
Dear Amy: Our 18-year-old son is examining from
He hates small talk, doesn't like being the center of attention and has some social anxiety, so my wife and I understand his decision. 19659004] We have a large, widespread family, and some of them tell us that we "bridge" our son and still have a graduation party.
We would like to honor our son's request and have frankly not the strength to put up an angry teenager for a couple of weeks while we let ourselves out and clean the house, shop and cook for the party – which our son does not want.
How can we "announce" that he is a graduate without inviting everyone to the actual exam (attendance is limited by high school etc. to only family members) and without having a graduation party?
At the same time, we do not want an announcement to look like a call for gifts, because it is not our intention. We just want to let our extended family and friends know that our son is graduating.
IS WORLD OUT: If your son didn't want a party, but you did, that would be another thing; But you do not want to host a party.
You should assume that your friends and extended families already know that your son is graduating from high school. After all, some of these family members have already been upset to bridge your son's preferences and have a party.
You should do what you and your son agree on. After that fact, you can remain private, post congratulations to social media, through a group of emails, or by sending out printed messages. You can't control how people interpret it.
Dear Amy: I weigh in on the letter from "Disgusted" about a grandmother calling on her grandchild: "Do not rape."
This type of inappropriate outbreak can signal the beginning of dementia. Grandma should be checked out.
Reader with Radar
IS TEACHER: According to "Disgusted", Grandma has a long and storied history of shots from the lip.
You can contact Amy Dickinson by email: [email protected] Readers can send mail to Ask Amy, P.O. Box 194, Freeville, NY 13068. You can also follow her on Twitter @askingamy or "like" her on Facebook.